


I'm never gonna leave you

by bright_lights_big_dreams



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Admission of love, Angry Ashton, Depressed Calum, Depression, Drunk Calum, Luke isn't really involved sorry Luke, M/M, Malum are just in love okay??, Sad Calum, Worried Michael, friends to lovers kind of, happy ending i guess, i don't really know what i'm doing, idk - Freeform, malum, small mentions of suicide, soppy shit at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5239925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bright_lights_big_dreams/pseuds/bright_lights_big_dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael sighed, and lay down next to the silent boy. "Cal, I know you're hurting for some reason so why won't you talk to me? I could help! We all could, you've just got to talk to us. Please, say something."</p><p>Calum still didn't speak, and Michael was about to give up and return to his bed when a quiet, indecipherable noise came from his mouth.</p><p>"What?" Michael pressed.</p><p>Calum rolled over so that he and Michael were facing each other, and spoke again, "I'm sorry."</p><p>Or, Calum is falling apart and Michael's trying to keep him together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm never gonna leave you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first time posting something. I hope you like it.

Calum didn't like thinking anymore. He found it quite strange to be honest. When he was younger he loved to think, he loved it when his mind was bursting with ideas of lyrics and stories and chords that he just had to write down, he used to enjoy thinking about his friends and family and fans, about how lucky he was to have what he did and how he couldn't have been happier, but now thinking just left a dull ache in his head and a pit of self-hate in his stomach. Calum hated thinking, because when he thought now his mind always drifted to how fucked up he was, the shit that he'd done and the person he'd become, it was just easier not to think, thinking hurt.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly when everything had gone wrong, he was on a world tour with his best mates for gods sake, he was supposed to be on top of the fucking world but instead every day had been getting longer and longer and shows weren't giving him the same adrenaline rush and the nights had become an uncomfortable few hours of little sleep and thinking too much.

He knows he should've talked to someone, told someone that something was wrong, it probably would have saved him a lot of trouble but he'd stupidly kept quiet, convincing himself that it was nothing and he'd get over it until he'd realised that maybe it wasn't nothing and maybe he wouldn't get over it, but by then it was too late, he was in way too deep.

The others knew something was wrong, he could tell it from the concerned looks Ashton would shoot him as he sat silently on the tour bus and the way Luke tried to get him to stop downing vodka when he'd had way too much already and when Michael had literally begged him to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to them about it, he just didn't know how and it was so much easier to just ignore it, ignore everything and pretend he was fine, so that's what he did. He dragged himself through each day, putting a face on for fans and shows and interviews while avoiding questions from his concerned bandmates and trying to feel something.

They were in London at the moment, it was the second night of a week long stay and Calum was going out. It was nowhere special, just a club so he could get as drunk as he could, that was usually the plan these days. He shoved his phone in the pocket of his jeans and grabbed a jacket, pulling it on as he headed towards the door of his hotel room.

"You going somewhere?" Michael asked, even though it was obvious he was.

"Yeah." Calum replied, not being bothered to go into details.

"Where?" Michael questioned.

"Just a club." 

"Hold on a couple minutes, I'll come with you, I felt like going out tonight." Michael spoke, jumping up and heading towards his bag to grab some clothes.

Bullshit. The boys never let him go out on his own now. It probably was his fault but it was still irritating. When they had been in New York a few weeks ago he'd told them he was going for a walk at about 8 but hadn't returned to the hotel until it had gone 3 in the morning. He hadn't been doing anything bad, just walking then sitting then walking some more but his phone had died and the boys had been worried and now he wasn't allowed out without someone tailing him.

 

Half an hour later Calum and Michael arrived at the club, the journey there was awkward, small talk and tense silences filling the time that, six months ago, would have been filled with jokes and laughing and fun. Calum couldn't really remember the last time he'd had fun, not the kind he used to have when he could just forget about everything and laugh and smile, that never happened any more.

He was already focused on the bar, weaving his way through the crowds of people, he needed a drink as soon as he could. He hated that he'd got like this, literally needing a drink just to feel a bit better about his shitty life, a life that wasn't even shitty. He had everything he ever wanted, but still he was like this now. He fucking hated it.

 

Michael sighed as he watched his best friend head towards the bar, it wasn't supposed to be like this, Calum wasn't supposed to be like this, everything had gone wrong and he didn't know what to do. He, Luke and Ashton had had countless conversations about the bassist, about what was wrong with him and what to do about it but they just didn't know, whenever they tried to help Calum just pushed them away and he was just getting worse and worse.

He just couldn't get his head round how the dark haired boy had become so distant, he used to be so affectionate, used to love talking and cuddling and human interaction but now it was like he could hardly bare to be in the same room as his best mates. Michael hated it, Calum had been his best friend for well over ten years but still he couldn't help him, why wouldn't Calum just talk to him? He didn't know, he didn't know what to do or what to say to him, he just wanted the old Calum back, the Calum he'd fallen in love with, but he wasn't sure if that was ever going to happen.

 

3 hours later and Calum was drunk, probably too drunk but he really didn't care, he felt good, almost. He had got bored of the club, and decided that he was going to take a walk instead, he had no idea where Mikey was but he didn't really care. He also had no idea where he was going, and to be honest he didn't really care about that either, he found it hard to care about things nowadays.

As he was stumbling through the streets a set of swings in a park caught his eye. He'd always loved parks, even when he was really too old to be in them, and he could never resist going on swings, especially in his intoxicated state.

 

Michael was panicking. He couldn't find Calum anywhere. He had decided to try and find the dark haired boy and try to convince him it was time to return to the hotel but he had searched the club ten times and he was nowhere to be seen. Shit. Where the hell was he? He must've left the club, he definitely wasn't here any more. Fuck. He was supposed to be looking after Calum but now he had completely disappeared while very drunk.

Michael headed towards the door, pulling his phone out of his pocket and calling the bassist but to no surprise there was no answer. He was now out on the cold streets and calling Ashton, explaining the situation while he looked for any signs of his best friend, which to his dismay were non-existent. He was just going to have to walk around a bit and hope he was going in the right direction.

Ashton was going to come out and help look for Calum while Luke was going to wait at the hotel in case Calum had decided to return there, although all of them very much doubted that would be the case. The streets were quiet, it was dark and the cold was bitter, Michael just hoped Calum was okay. As he wandered through the streets Michael repeatedly called the brown eyed boy, and a huge wave of relief washed over him as, on the 12th try, Calum answered his phone.

"Holy shit Cal! Are you okay? Where are you?" Michael spoke in a rush.

"Mikeeeyyy," Calum slurred, "I found a park Mikey! I like the park, there's swings!"

"A park?" Michael questioned, he hadn't seen a park around here, where the hell had Calum got to?

"Yeah, I got bored of the club so I went for a walk and now I'm on the swings!" Calum giggled.

"Right, well do you remember what way you went when you left the club?" Michael asked.

Calum paused for a moment, and even through the phone Michael could imagine Calum furrowing his eyebrows as his intoxicated brain tried to remember the route he had taken to find the park.

"No." Was his final answer.

Michael sighed, "Okay, just stay there and me or Ash are gonna come and find you okay? Just make sure you stay on those swings, okay?"

"Okay Mikey, but don't be long, I miss you." Calum whined.

"I won't be long, miss you too Cal." Michael hung up, running his fingers through his hair and letting out another sigh. Calum sounded happier drunk than he ever did when he was sober these days.

 

Ashton glanced at the map on the screen of his phone, after Michael had told him that Calum was in a park he had got a map up and was now heading to all the parks that were near the club, Calum couldn't have gone that far. He had already searched two parks, and was now heading to a third.

He was annoyed, and although his worry did outweigh his annoyance right now, he was still pissed off. Calum was being reckless, it was cold and dark and he was drunk and if the paparazzi or any fans found him who knew what stories could get around. He was putting himself and the band at risk right now, he had been for months now and Ashton was getting sick of it, Calum needed to accept the help everyone was offering him and sort himself out, otherwise something really bad was going to happen.

Ashton could see the park now and his heart jumped as he saw a figure sitting on the swing, he didn't have to get too much closer to realise that it was Calum, his earphones in his ears and a cigarette in between his lips. Ashton sighed, he wished Calum would stop smoking but he couldn't bring it up with the dark haired boy in case he pushed him further away.

As Ashton approached the swings Calum looked up, his eyes lighting up at the sight of the curly haired boy. Ashton couldn't remember the last time Calum's eyes had lit up like that. The tall boy dropped the butt of the cigarette and stood up, stumbling slightly as he walked towards his bandmate.

"Ash, hey! I thought Mikey was comi-oh shit!" Calum's words were extremely slurred, and Ashton winced as he watched the drunk boy trip over literally nothing and fall to the ground, lying on the floor for a moment before he started laughing. Calum really was drunk, his speech wasn't usually that bad and even when drunk he could usually stay standing. How much alcohol had he had?

"For fucks sake!" Ashton sighed, leaning down to help Calum up and keeping his arm around his shoulder in attempt to keep him steady.

"Where's Michael?" Calum asked.

"You'll see him back at the hotel." Ashton replied, grabbing his phone to text the other half of the band that he was coming back to the hotel with a hammered bassist in tow.

"But I thought he was coming now!" Calum whined.

"Well, I found you first, so now you'll see him back at the hotel." Ashton repeated.

"I like Mikey." Calum spoke, and Ashton glanced at the boy to see a small smile on his face.

"So do I." Ashton laughed, but he stopped as he watched Calum's smile drop and a sad look take over his face.

"I miss him." He mumbled.

"What do you mean?" Ashton asked, trying to work out exactly what Calum was going on about, "Cal?"

The tall boy didn't reply, just kept that same sad look on his face.

"Are you going to say anything else?" Ashton questioned, but still Calum kept his mouth shut, he'd take that as a no then.

 

Michael looked at Calum, who was silently laying on his bed. He hadn't spoke a word since Ashton had bought him back to their room and Michael was concerned. Calum had sounded so happy earlier, but now he definitely wasn't. Ashton had said he'd got like this after mentioning something about missing him. Michael didn't know what he could do but there was no way he was going to sleep without at least trying to get Calum to talk to him, although he wasn't sure how successful his attempt would be.

"Calum?" Michael spoke softly, sitting down next to Calum as the dark haired boy just lay there, unresponsive. "Cal, turn around, please, talk to me." Still nothing.

Michael sighed, and lay down next to the silent boy. "Cal, I know you're hurting for some reason so why won't you talk to me? I could help! We all could, you've just got to talk to us. Please, say something."

Calum still didn't speak, and Michael was about to give up and return to his bed when a quiet, indecipherable noise came from his mouth.

"What?" Michael pressed.

Calum rolled over so that he and Michael were facing each other, and spoke again, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? What for?" Michael asked, very aware that Calum was still drunk and possibly had no idea what he was actually saying.

"For being like this." Calum mumbled, looking anywhere but Michael's face.

"What do you mean?" Michael questioned, trying to get as much information as he could out of Calum.

"It's just...nothing, it's nothing." Calum talked quickly, realising that he was saying too much.

"No, Cal, you ca-"

"No, it's nothing Michael, just-" Calum stretched his hand towards Michael's and interlaced their fingers, "Stay with me, now, just stay here for tonight, please."

"I'll always stay with you Cal, you know that." Michael replied, moving his face closer to Calum's so that their foreheads were almost touching, "I'm never gonna leave you on your own."

 

When Calum woke up the next morning the first thing he realised was that his head hurt, a lot. The next thing he realised when he opened his eyes was that he was right next to Michael, in fact he was pretty much cuddling with Michael. The thing he realised after that was that he was about throw up.

He managed to wriggle out of Michael's arms and rush into the bathroom, just about getting to the toilet before emptying the contents of his stomach. Shit. He felt like shit, to put it nicely. What had even happened last night? He could hardly remember a thing, and he was a bit worried considering he'd woken up cuddling Mikey, he couldn't remember the last time he'd cuddled with one of the boys.

Calum pulled himself up off the floor and washed his mouth out in the sink before leaving the bathroom. He wasn't sure whether he should be relieved or not as he saw an empty bed, but Michael wasn't gone for long as in the next 10 seconds he was back, holding a glass of water and some painkillers.

"I'd take these then get changed quickly if I were you," Michael said, handing the water and tablets to Calum "We're supposed to be leaving in 10 minutes and according to Luke, Ashton isn't in the best mood this morning, and you know what he's like when he's in a bad mood and everything doesn't go exactly to plan."

"Thanks." Calum mumbled, swallowing the pills with a sip of water. The last thing he felt like doing today was a load of interviews and promo and talking but he didn't have much choice.

 

The day, to put it simply, had not gone well. Even though they were all ready on time, bad traffic meant they were late to their first interview, and therefore the whole days schedule was pushed back slightly. This put Ashton in an even worse mood, leaving him snapping at everyone and everything and not really participating in the interviews. 

They were finally returning to the hotel and the car was silent. All 4 band members were sitting with their earphones in, not even attempting to communicate with each other at risk of getting their heads ripped off. All Calum wanted to do was sleep, he was tired and had a headache and didn't think he could deal with any more human interaction today, so dealing with the mass of fans outside the hotel wasn't going to be fun.

He did want to meet them and talk to them and find out how they were and take selfies but he just couldn't, his whole body felt heavy and he knew he wasn't going to be able to keep up a front for loads of fans, he just couldn't.

It wasn't too long until the car was stopping outside the hotel and everyone clambered out. Calum could see Luke, Michael and Ash pulling out their earphones and heading over to fans but he just headed straight for the hotel door, managing to shoot a weak smile at the fans screaming his name just a few metres away.

5 minutes later he was back in his hotel room. He kicked his shoes off and collapsed onto his bed, letting out a sigh of relief at the thought of actually being able to sleep. It was around twenty minutes after that he was just drifting off to sleep, a Bring Me The Horizon song playing in his ear, but he was rudely awoken by the hotel door opening and his band-mates entering the room.

"What is going on with you?" Ashton suddenly spoke, glaring at Calum.

"What do you mean?" Calum replied sitting up, still extremely tired and now very confused, he couldn't be dealing with this right now.

"You know damn well what I mean! Our fans are outside and you just ignored them! You walked right fucking past them to come up here and go to sleep!" Ashton ranted, still glaring at Calum.

"I don't feel well." Calum replied, returning Ashton's glare.

"And whose fault is that?" Ashton retorted.

Calum sighed, getting off the bed and grabbing a bottle of water from the side that he'd meant to take with him earlier but forgot. He unscrewed the lid and took a sip, all the while just looking at Ashton but not saying a word.

"Oh, so you're gonna go silent again? Really mature." Ashton spat.

Calum turned his gaze to Michael and Luke, who both obviously wanted to be somewhere else but weren't going to leave in case things got out of hand.

"Fucking talk Calum. Why the fuck are you trying to make everyone hate you?"

"Just leave it." Calum finally spoke, his voice calm but with a slight edge to it.

"No!" Ashton replied, too wound up now to do anything else, "I'm not going to leave it until you tell me why you're trying to ruin everything! You're fucking everything up Calum! Every time you go out and get drunk and smoke and make a mess of your body it's not just your life you're ruining, it's ours too. You are tearing down everything we've worked for over the past 5 years and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you fucking everything up, I'm sick of you."

"Ash, calm down." Luke spoke quietly, placing a hand on Ashton's arm but the drummer just shoved it off, glared at Calum for a moment before turning and storming out fo the hotel room.

Luke looked at Calum, "You know he doesn't mean it Cal, he's just...tired, look, I'm gonna go check he's okay, just, he didn't mean it."

Michael watched as Luke left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Michael then turned his attention to his best friend, who was standing still with a facial expression Michael couldn't quite read. 

"Cal...are you okay?" Michael took a tentative step towards the dark haired boy.

"Go away." Calum's voice was low, almost dangerous.

"Cal-"

"I said go away!" Calum yelled, launching the water bottle in his hand across the room. It hit the wall with a loud thud.

Michael stood still, watching the way Calum's chest was heaving and the anger evident in his eyes. He had never seen Calum like this before.

"I said. Get. Out." Calum punctuated each word, turning his hard glare on to Michael, dark brown eyes meeting green ones.

Michael sighed, turning round and heading towards the door. He wouldn't be able to deal with Calum when he was like that, he was just going to have to give him some time to calm down and hope he wouldn't do anything stupid.

 

Calum couldn't gather his thoughts, they were blowing around his head like a fucking hurricane and he couldn't grab hold of any of them. It wasn't like he hadn't known what Ashton had said, he had thought it himself enough times but actually hearing someone else say it, hearing Ashton that angry had sparked something in him.

Calum was angry. Not just a little bit angry, he was completely furious and he needed to do something to try and get it out of his system. He wasn't really sure if he was angry at Ashton, or if he was more angry at himself for doing all the things Ashton had said.

Maybe he was angry that Ashton was right. Every word that had left the drummer's mouth was true. He was fucking everything up and he was dragging the band down and he was fucking their life up as well as his and Ashton had every right to be sick of him, damn, they all had every right to fucking hate him. He definitely did.

Calum walked towards the mirror. God he was a mess. He hadn't had a hair cut in months and he had stubble that made him look more like an alcoholic rather than hot like the others did when they didn't shave. His eyes were dull and bloodshot and he was just generally a wreck and he hated looking at himself like this he hated it, he hated himself and fuck-

Without thinking he had launched his fist into his reflection, letting out a yell when his knuckles connected with glass and left the reflective material cracked. He glanced down at his hand, wincing at the sight of blood welling up from the fresh cuts. It hurt, but he didn't care, he didn't care about anything anymore, he just wanted to-

"Calum?" Michael's voice was quiet, confused. Calum hadn't even noticed the boy re-enter the room. Fuck.

"Calum," Michael repeated, "Are you okay?"

Calum looked from his hand to Michael. His best friend was standing with a concerned look on his face. Of course he wasn't okay, he hadn't been okay for so long, he wasn't fucking okay.

He was crying now, he couldn't remember the last time he had cried but the floodgates were open now. He was standing in a hotel room with a bloody hand and a broken mirror and his best friend and he didn't know what to do.

Michael didn't even think before rushing to Calum's side and wrapping his arms around his heaving shoulders. He hadn't got far before he realised that he couldn't just leave Calum when he was like that, and thank god he hadn't.

"Fuck, Cal, it's okay. It's alright." He attempted to sooth the sobbing boy. Calum was clinging on to Michael's top and crying into his shoulder. "It's okay Cal, I'm here, I told you I'd never leave you on your own, it's okay, I promise."

Eventually Calum's tears dried out and his sobs were replaced with deep, uneven breaths. Michael glanced at Calum's hand before pulling his arms away from the dark haired boy's shoulders.

"Let's sort your hand out yeah? You go run it under some cold water and I'll go and find the first aid kit, I know there's one in here somewhere, okay?" Calum just nodded in reply, walking slowly into the bathroom.

It didn't take Michael long to find the first aid kit. He pulled out an antiseptic wipe and a bandage before heading in to the bathroom to see Calum with his hand under the tap, but looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and the were tear stains running down his cheeks but he was still beautiful, if he was being honest Michael didn't think there was a time that Calum could be anything other than perfect in his eyes. He turned off the tap and dried Calum's hand for him. There was no fresh blood leaving the cuts now but they looked sore and his knuckles would definitely be a bit bruised and swollen for a while.

Calum was in an almost catatonic stupor. He didn't say or react to anything as Michael lead him out of the bathroom and sat him down on the bed before sitting down opposite him. Michael picked up Calum's injured hand and carefully placed it on his thigh so he could tend to it properly.

"This might sting a bit." He warned as he picked up the wipe. It was strange. He was pretty much treating Calum like a child but in the state he was in at the moment Michael didn't know what else to do. He shouldn't have worried. Calum didn't even wince as Michael wiped the cold liquid over the cuts. Michael then proceeded to bandage the hand as best he could. He wasn't a professional but it would do the job until Calum saw a proper doctor, which Michael wasn't sure was the best idea right now.

The two boys sat in silence for a while and Michael was considering what his best move would be when Calum spoke quietly, "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Michael asked softly.

"For fucking everything up." Calum replied quietly, looking at his hands and nowhere else.

"You haven't fucked anything up Cal." Michael stated.

"I have," Calum's voice was barely a whisper by now, "Everything's gone wrong and it's all my fault."

"Nothing's gone wrong Cal, I swear, Ashton was just angry, he didn't mean it." Michael tried to convince Calum.

"But it has. I have. I've gone wrong." Calum whimpered.

"What do you mean?" Michael pressed carefully, not wanting to scare Calum into silence.

"I-it's just, me. I'm not like I used to be, I'm not normal. I'm always so tired and I'm never happy and everything just hurts," Calum looked Michael in the eye, as if he was asking permission to keep talking so Michael nodded, "I don't even get happy on stage anymore, I just get tired but then when I'm in bed at night I can't sleep and if I'm not drunk I start thinking and when I think everything just gets worse. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off if I was dead."

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that Calum, don't even think that." Michael took Calum's uninjured hand in his own and squeezed.

"Why not?" Calum asked quietly.

"Think about it Cal. Think about all of our fans that love the shit out of you, think about your mum and dad and Mali, think about Luke and Ash and everyone that loves you," Michael used his other had to cup the side of Calum's face and lift it so he was looking him in the eye, "Think about me Cal. What the hell would I do if you weren't here? I love you so fucking much Cal, you are everything to me, you're my fucking everything."

Calum paused for a moment, "Can you help me?" He asked, "Please will you help me get better. Please Michael I can't do it on my own."

"Of course I will Cal, I swear you're gonna be okay," Michael promised, leaning his face towards Calum's until their foreheads were touching, "I told you, I'm never gonna leave you," Michael maintained eye contact with Calum as he lifted his chin and kissed his lips softly, "I love you."

"I love you too." Calum replied quietly, and for the first time in a long time he thought everything might just be okay.


End file.
